A marriage should be lasting as long as the lifespan of the marriage couple. Unfortunately, nowadays, marriages do not last, and divorces have skyrocketed. The U.S. Census estimates about half of marriages end in divorces. According to relationship experts, even the number of long-term relationships heading toward separation is now becoming more frequent with a longer lifespan and a growing acceptability of divorce by the society. What some experts are saying is that people divorce because now they have a longer lifespan, and that divorce is no longer a social taboo
Your marriage changes everything in your life, including your love. So, understanding the real meaning of love, especially that of "marital love", holds the key to making any marriage lasting a lifetime.
The Meaning of “Love”
“Love” is a
big word in all human civilizations. For all religious disparities, love
still plays an essential role in all the world’s religions. Yes, love plays an
important role in human lives, especially living in a world of conflicts
and aggressions.
So, what is the real
meaning of the word “love”? Love involves your emotions and feelings. You love
some things and some people. Love, ironically enough, gives you
both happiness and unhappiness. When your love is fulfilled, you feel happy;
when that love is rejected or unrequited, you then feel pain, which becomes your unhappiness. That, unfortunately, is the reality of love.
Loving others
is never easy; loving yourself is sometimes even harder and more
difficulty. That also is the reality of love.
The truth of the matter is that to truly love someone is very difficult, if not impossible, unless you love yourself first.
Self-Acceptance
In a general sense, self-esteem is the positive or negative evaluative perception of self. It is a rating of yourself, based on a partial assessment of your current and/or your past traits. Many mental health professionals claim that achieving your higher self-esteem is the keystone of your good mental health. Such claims, however, are dubious at best.
Your low self-esteem is your self-doubt, often expressed in not asserting yourself in public or at your workplace, and not pushing past your comfort zones.
To love
yourself is self-acceptance, which is
accepting who and what you really are—and not who and what you wish you were
(that is, your ego-self). It should also be pointed out that
“loving yourself” and “loving your ego-self” are not quite the same. The former
is loving yourself for who you really are despite all your imperfections; the
latter involves loving or craving to be the person you wish you were. “Loving
yourself” means you can love yourself as well as others, because they
are not very different from you in that they, too, are as imperfect as you are.
On the other hand, “loving your ego-self” means it is very difficult for you to love
others because you want to distinguish and separate yourself from others;
accordingly, others must somehow satisfy your ego first before you can
love them. That explains why if you have a big ego-self,
you just cannot and will not easily and readily love others. It is just that simple.
The bottom
line: If you can accept yourself as who and what you really are, then it may
become much easier for you to accept and love others as who and what they
really are.
Oneness of All Life
Accepting and loving others implies having your mindfulness of the inter-connection between people. That is to say, no man is an island, according to the English poet John Donne. This mindfulness leads to your love of others, and then to your awareness of the presence of God or that of a Higher Being. Your love of others is your first step toward your spirituality.
Marital Love
To make your marriage survive and thrive, you must cherish and nourish your marital love. And this is how.
Being and Giving
Being who you are and giving away your free gift of love, and not about your own feelings and your own receiving. Real love does not hurt because it is not about using another person to make you happy. So, never have your marital love with many expectations: your marital love hurts and turns itself into pain when your expectations are unfulfilled.
Fearing and Rejecting
A common scenario in many failed marriages is fear--fear that you are not good enough for the right person you are married to; out of fear, you begin to "mask" all your shortcomings, instead of changing and correcting them in your marriage. Remember, a marriage is about changing yourself and also your marriage partner so that it will last.
Forgiving and Forgetting
In any lasting marriage, you must learn how to forgive and to forget. If you are unable to forgive the wrongs your marriage partner has done to you, you will only carry those negative feelings of anger, and even vengeance, with you in your bag and baggage wherever you go, making you always feel depressed and unhappy.
Conflicts and Violence
Conflicts and violence may happen in a marriage due to "incomplete knowledge" of yourself and your marriage partner, especially the emotional needs.
Conflicts and violence may result from "incorrect perceptions" of attitudes, beliefs, and habits distorted by past experiences.
Conflicts and violence may also come from "self-centeredness", such as "I am special" and "mine is better."
The bottom line: Marital love is about changes: "changing" yourself and your marriage partner so that the two of you will continue to love each other through thick and thin, and thus making your marriage lasting
Stephen Lau
Author: Getting Married to Make You Happy?
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