Anger and Depression

Anger

Anger or rage is an ineffective and inefficient way to resolve any issue or make any problem go away. It is a negative emotion that may lead to depression, if it is not properly addressed.

An illustration

Donna Alexander, the creator of the “Anger Room” in Chicago, first thought of the idea as a teenager living in Chicago. Having witnessed much domestic violence and many conflicts at school as a teenager, Donna Alexander finally decided to create a space where anyone can lash out without serious consequences. While at the “Anger Room,” the guests, after paying a fee, are given a safe space to unleash their anger and rage by smashing and destroying objects, such as glasses or even a TV. In addition, the room can also be set up to look like an office or a kitchen, where anger often becomes totally uncontrollable.

Thinking questions

Can you really hold off your anger until after you have checked in at the “Anger Room”?

If you are so accustomed to smashing and destroying many objects at the “Anger Room,” could you still restrain yourself from doing the same when your anger is sudden and unmanageable in the office or the kitchen?

                                                     

The reality

As much as 50 percent of human diseases may be psychosomatic. Therefore, it is not an overstatement that the mind and diseases are interconnected.

Dr. Caroline B. Thomas, M.D., of John Hopkins School of Medicine, discovered that cancer patients often had a prior poor relationship with their parents, attesting to the pivotal role of emotions in the development of cancer. In another study by Dr. Richard B. Shekelle of the University of Texas School of Medicine, it was found that depression patients were not only more cancer prone but also more likely to die of cancer than the other patients. If emotions play a pivotal role in cancer, by the same token, negative emotions may also adversely affect the symptoms or the prognosis of any human disease. Thoughts of anger, despair, discontent, frustration, guilt, or resentment are instrumental in depressing the physiological processes, including the human body’s immune response—a formula for promoting the development of an autoimmune disease.

According to other studies, strong negative emotions, such as anger, can create destructive mental energy that is health damaging. However, it must be pointed out that it is more damaging in not experiencing raging anger, or not wanting to experience it than in actually experiencing it. The former may cause diseases, or trigger a depression.

Conventional wisdom

Conventional wisdom is to use distraction to defuse and dissipate the sudden anger or rage.

Thomas Jefferson famously said, "When angry, count 10, before you speak; if very angry, 100." 

TAO wisdom

According to TAO, the wisdom of Lao Tzu, the ancient sage from China, take a deep breath, review the situation, and ask yourself one simple question: what is the original purpose of driving your car—to get to your destination, or to get angry?

Don’t hold your anger in; instead, let it go, by breathing it out. Don’t let it go as pain; instead, let it go as your acceptance. Your acceptance should be viewed not as a sign of your own weakness but as a statement of your own communication to yourself that getting to your destination is much more important than getting angry.

Remember, anger is always present to serve a purpose to release some deeper issues, problems, and internal conflicts that you may be carrying in your own bag and baggage all these years. It is always better to release anger than to turn it around to destroy yourself. Suppressing anger, on the other hand, is also self destructive, as the negative energy redirects itself back into your own body. Anger in itself is a path of destruction. Resolve anger by developing habits that may release internal conflicts in a constructive manner before it can be released as rage.

Remember, the world always reflects your actions. If you lash out in rage, then the world lashes back at you with that same rage causing pain or grief that still has to get resolved. There is no true “release” of anger, except by resolution.

TAO teaches that peace is the true warrior’s path. The sword while an option is never used with anger, or you may have lost from the start. According to Lao Tzu, “The best fighter is never becoming angry.”

Learn to do the following when you become angry:

Take a deep diaphragm breath (See Appendix B), and just feel it.

Just look at your anger in your mind.

Accept that you are now angry, and then slowly release your anger as you breathe it out.

If necessary, use your arm like a sword to sweep away your anger and cut through your feelings of anger, while saying: “I can see my anger: it is as it was.”

Subconsciously, we all exert a great deal of mental energy to hold on to the past, which is no more than what we think happened. In the now, what happened in the past is just a memory, and no longer there; all memories are no longer truths, but at best only guidelines for the future. That is to say, your anger is as it was. Just learn to release your anger over any issue. Anger on its own has no power at all, except the power you give it to make it real to you.

The bottom line: anger is often caused by an inflated ego that one has to be right about an issue; without an ego, nothing can anger or trouble you. Seek only your internal balance and harmony.

“We do not become aggressive when we are confronted.

We do not become angry when we are provoked.

We see neither an enemy nor a competitor,

because we do not seek our own way.

Knowing both our strengths and weaknesses,

we use them to complement one another.

Thus, we find balance and harmony.

Naturally and easily, we follow the Way.”

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, Chapter 68)

Just do not let your anger depress you!

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Take A Role Model And Be Happy

Ann Russell Miller was a celebrated socialite from San Francisco, also known as Sister Mary Joseph. She, who had ten children and nineteen grandchildren, had grown up in luxury and privilege, and had been living a life of incredible wealth. Instead of shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue, and decorating herself with jewelry from Tiffany, she suddenly and surprisingly decided to give up everything, and became a nun devoted to living in poverty for the rest of her life.

That unbelievable event happened more than two decades ago, and was then widely reported in the media across the country. Why did she make such a drastic and incredible change in her life? She said she had a calling, a true vocation that was hard to understand for the general public, even for the close members of her family.

Ann Russell Miller just wanted to live a simple lifestyle, deleting all the trimmings of life and living, as well as all the attachments that she wanted to let go ot.

Do you have a lot of attachments to the material world you are living in right now? Take a look at your garage and basement. If they are packed full and loaded with many disposables, then probably you still have many attachments you are unwilling to let go of. Attachments are clutters that bring memories you are unwilling to let go of—memories that are reminiscent of your past accomplishments.

If you wish to be happy, just live a simple lifestyle.  

Epicurus, the famous Greek philosopher, had this advice on how to lead a happy life: avoiding luxuries, and living simply. The explanation is that luxurious living may make you into a “needy” person whose happiness always depends on things that are impermanent and easily lost. When they are lost —because nothing is permanent—you naturally become unhappy and even depressed.

THE HAPPINESS WISDOM
MY WAY! NO WAY! TAO IS THE WAY!

Stephen Lau      

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

How to Pray

How to Pray

Praying is never easy: often complicated, and even paradoxical.

You’ve got to know what you want so that you can ask what you want in order to get what you want.

So, before you pray, you must know your true self: who and what you really are, and not who and what you wish you were.

Praying is talking to God through your heart, and not your words; repeating a right set of words isn’t as important as your heart talking to Him.

Prayer is God’s gift to anyone who prays for that free gift.

So, to pray for that free gift, you must show your desire to feel God’s presence, which is in anyone and everyone, as well as in anything and everything.

Several decades ago, a former colleague of mine had the opportunity to meet and dine with Gladys Aylward, a British missionary to China, whose amazing story was made into a Hollywood film in 1958: “The Inn of the Sixth Happiness”, starring Ingrid Bergman.

My former colleague told me that at the dinner with Gladys she found it very “odd” that Gladys had repeated almost non-stop “Praise the Lord!” throughout the dinner—when someone passed her a dish, some bread, even salt and pepper, or when someone made a comment. It might not have looked “odd” to someone who’d like to feel the presence of God in every moment of his or her life.

So, from now on, whenever you say “Thank you” aloud, maybe you should also try to say in silence “Praise the Lord!” so that you may feel His presence in your heart.

To feel His omnipresence,  you must also still your thoughts with mindfulness, and live in the now.

Prayer is how you react and respond to His presence in your daily life.

Always begin your prayer with God, and not yourself.

Asking for your needs is self-delusional: God already knows your needs.

Asking for your wants is self-sabotaging: trying to make God change His mind about what He has already wanted for you.

So, don’t pray for “be happy”, “be healthy”, and “be wealthy.”

If you’re blessed with His presence, you’ll still feel your happiness even in your adversities. Depression is humans’ refusal of letting go to receive His presence.

If you’re blessed with His wisdom, you’ll know how to take care of your body, even when you’re sick.

If  you’re blessed  with His grace,  you’ll learn

to let go of your greed and covetousness for your wealth.

Always pray for your trust and obedience: trust that God will give you the power to “respond positively” to any life challenge you may face; obedience that God will give you the wisdom to embrace anything and every-thing to let go of your control of your own destiny.

Remember, your prayers are always answered, but not your own expectations.

The TAO wisdom (the ancient wisdom from China, based on the wisdom of Lao Tzu, the author of the ancient classic TAO Te Ching) shows you how to live your daily life, and how your prayers may be answered.

“An empty mind with no craving and no expectation helps us letting go.

Being in the world and not of the world, we attain heavenly grace.

With heavenly grace, we become pure and selfless.

And everything settles into its own perfect place.”

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, Chapter 3) 

Li Ching-Yuan was probably the longest-living Chinese in history, who died on May 6, 1933 at the age of over 200 years.

This is one of his thought-provoking sayings regarding Zen, an Eastern philosophy about being and a way of thinking:

“Before I had studied Zen for thirty years,

I saw mountains as mountains, and waters as waters.

When I arrived with a more intimate knowledge,

I saw that mountains are not mountains,

and waters are not waters.

But now that I have got its very substance,

I am at rest.

For it is just that I see mountains once again as mountains, and waters once again as waters.”

Li Ching-Yuan

Li Ching-Yuan was talking about awakening or self-enlightenment, which is always effortless and spontaneous. So, if you strive to know and understand anything and everything, the awakening may never come.

You may like to pray, but your prayers are seldom answered; then you’ll see “mountains as mountains, and waters as waters.”

Your desire in seeking God may somehow change your perspectives; then you may see “mountains are not mountains, and waters are not waters.”

But finding God, and living in His presence, you’ll just see that “mountains once again as mountains, and waters once again as waters”—in other words, “prayers are seldom answered or not answered at all” is not only irrelevant but also inexplicable. What really matters is that you’ve found the spiritual wisdom to live your life as if everything is a miracle.

So, don’t use your pre-programmed causal reasoning to make sense out of the senseless in life. Instead, express your trust and obedience to your Creator and fully live in His presence.

Click here to get Why Prayers Are Seldom Answered.

Click here to get The Complete Tao Te Ching in Plain English.

Stephen Lau

Copyright © Stephen Lau

Teach Children About Sex

 Sex is “a big deal,” especially in a marriage.

Surprisingly, some couples may have more sexual intimacy after several years of marriage. The explanation is that by then they may have much reduced level of stress: better financial environment; children growing up; less worry about conceiving a child. In short, sex can even get better as years go by in a good and healthy marriage.

However, some couples may also cease their sexual intimacy due to: childbirth; pursuing a career; midlife crisis; an out-of-marriage affair. That, unfortunately, is also the reality.

Living together without love or physical intimacy is “living separate lives”—it may also be due to pornography, which is addictive, pervasive, and destructive to the addicts and their respective relationships.

So, it‘s important for parents to educate their children about sex. But how?

   Like building the foundation of a pyramid, teach them about the values of life and living, which are usually dignity, honor, and respect for self and others. 

   Growing up and getting married isn’t just about self or just two people: it’s about human relations—how you relate to others around you. For example, in a marriage it isn’t just about the relationship between you and your spouse; it also involves your children or stepchildren, the in-laws, and the friends. So, learn to develop good relationships, and teach your children to do likewise as they grow up. 

    Relationships are related to emotions, both positive and negative ones. Teach your children to control and manage their emotions and temper tantrums, which will play a pivotal in subsequent life choices and decisions.

All of the above will define and shape your children’s perceptions and understanding of the meaning and the importance of sexual intimacy when they grow up into adolescents and young adults.

The reality

Remember, just do your best, and let God do the rest. You can teach your children about sexual intimacy, but you just can’t control what they feel and experience in their lives. Controlling only generates resistance and distancing. This applies not only to your children, but also to your spouse. You can share with them what you believe in, but you just can’t make them believe what you believe in. That’s the reality.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

“GETTING MARRIED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?”

Skin Aging

SKIN AGING

Everybody's skin ages with time, with no exception. But how?

 Intrinsic aging

Intrinsic aging is caused by internal factors in your body, some of which are beyond your control.

Cessation or interruption of skin cell replication

Your skin cells divide and replicate continually. However, after a while, they stop the replication process. Surprisingly, the skin cells do not perish; instead, they accumulate in your skin and secrete substances that further interrupt the natural renewal process of other healthy skin cells. Such interruption adversely affects the level of collagen, which is the most abundant protein in your body. Given that collagen makes up approximately six percent of your body weight, its breakdown takes away support of the skin, and thus causing fine wrinkles to appear on your face.

Decline of hormone production

In chronological aging, your body’s production of hormones declines as you age.

If you are a woman, your estrogen (hormones) level may decline by as much as 30 percent during the first ten years of menopause. This significant loss of estrogen not only causes your skin to become thinner and less elastic, but also prolongs the renewal process of your normal skin cells.

Change in physical structure of the face

Over time, the physical structure of your face changes due to the loss of bone mass and the decline in the volume of fat under the skin.

Stress

Stress may cause the flare up of acne, eczema (red swollen skin), and rosacea (a chronic skin disease in people with fair or light skin)—they damage skin texture.

Extrinsic aging

Extrinsic aging is often within your control because the contributing factors are no more than a reflection of your lifestyle.

Photo aging

The sun’s UVA and UVB rays cause irreparable damage to your skin, known as photo aging. Sunrays promote the growth of free radicals in your skin. Free radicals are damaging agents to youthful skin: they are responsible for the reduction of collagen (protein under your skin), causing your skin to become thin and loose; they accelerate the release of copper and iron from your skin cells, and thus promoting the growth of more free radicals.

Remember, going for that tanned look often comes with a hefty price.

Tobacco smoke

The nicotine in tobacco generates free radicals, which damage your skin.

Quit smoking immediately. Smoking is no longer “cool” when you look much older than your chronological age.

Excess alcohol consumption

Too much alcohol damages your liver. A dysfunctional liver cannot efficiently remove body toxins and waste products accumulated in your skin, and a damaged liver gives you a yellowish complexion, instead of a healthy glow.

Always drink moderately. More importantly, learn how to cleanse your liver to rid your body of toxic waste materials.

Pollutants from the water

Install a filter system (e.g. a home reverse-osmosis drinking water system) to filter out chemicals and pollutants from the water you use for drinking and bathing. Do not buy bottled water (unsafe plastic bottles).

Poor diet

Avoid all processed foods, which are loaded with chemicals, such as food colorings, food emulsifiers, and food preservatives, among other chemicals.

Go organic and eat only super foods. Eat a balanced diet with abundant antioxidant vitamins (vitamins A, C, and E) to ameliorate the oxidative stress of free radicals, which are the main agents for skin aging.

Dehydration

Dehydration dries up your skin. Water and body fluids form a major component of your body. They serve several important functions for your skin:

Cushioning skin cells for protection against external damage

Flushing out toxins through your sweat glands

Enhancing communication between skin cells, thereby maintaining skin sensitivity

Moistening skin tissues to prevent problems of dry skin

Transporting nutrients and oxygen to skin cells

Research studies have shown that 75 percent of Americans are chronically dehydrated due to the following reasons:

Dry artificially heated or cooled living environment

Regular consumption of dehydrated beverages, such as alcohol, caffeine, and carbonated sodas

Install a humidifier in your home.

Eat more fruits and vegetables. Your body produces water when it turns foods into energy. At least 25 percent of your daily water requirement should come from fruits and vegetables. Of course, drink only pure water, and drink more—not just eight glasses!

Wind and heat

Extreme wind and heat may also damage your skin, especially in a work environment outdoor, or with regular close proximity to fire, furnace, and stove, such as working in a kitchen.

Protect your skin from dehydration with lubricant, such as Vaseline pure petroleum jelly (no need for expensive body creams and lotions).

Gravity

Gravity, over time, weighs down your skin, causing it to sag. Gravity begins to have its toll on your face in your 40s and 50s.

To sum up, your lifestyle has an impact on not only your overall health but also the youthful look of your skin. Remember, in your 20s, you have the face that Nature gives you; in your 40s and 50s, you have the face that you might rightly deserve due to your lifestyle.

The bottom line: Make yourself look younger and healthier for longer.

Nora Wise

Copyright© by Nora Wise